I was talking to my child about my child.
The child I was talking to is 25 years old. My daughter is a doctor in a psychiatric unit, dealing with patients with mental illnesses. She described how some patients cannot get the love they need in life. The only attention they can control is being admitted to hospital after self-harm. Yet hospital is not designed to provide intimacy or love so they feel let down there too. Their situations are very sad. Their inner child is traumatised but their mental health is too unstable to start therapy.
The child I was talking about is around 6 years old and she has lived inside my head for the past 46 years. My inner child. An expert at pressing triggers whenever boundaries are set or if she feels ignored, left out or abandoned, she is stuck in the world of ‘children must be seen and not heard.’
I am her primary carer. I let her sing and laugh in the sun. Occasionally she tries to climb on the table, knocks over crockery and shouts for attention. I notice this is usually when she is feeling most vulnerable. It is kindest all round if I can catch her before she takes over and trashes the situation. I carefully stop whatever I am doing and talk to her. Gently ask her why she is upset. Sometimes, I say nothing and simply give her a big hug. She needs to know I love her. I need to know. We breathe together and I tell her funny stories to make her smile.
Many of us have stuck inner children. They ‘kick off’ when something reminds them of a past painful experience. Particularly, if it was not acknowledged at the time. Being aware of our innerchild is the first step to feeling secure.
It is not the responsibility of a partner, friend, relative or colleague to soothe our inner child. It is down to us. Once we are aware of the pattern, we can free ourselves from suffering.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Contact me for coaching and to hear funny stories.
Kate x