I light the fire at the end of a solitary weekend. The cat is asleep. Freddie Mercury is singing on the radio – ‘Another One Bites the Dust’. I start thinking about the lyrics and how love is much like a fire. A relationship is built like a fire: kindling, spark, flame and then constant nurture.
And that led me to muse over what makes relationships work and what makes them die. The cat is now snoring.
The thing that kills love most effectively is the same thing that kills fires: Neglect.
Friendships are built on trust, sharing, mutual respect, fun and love. At least mine are.
Romantic relationships are the same – plus a meeting of minds, bodies, hopes and dreams. Each person brings their own special qualities to the table to share. Sometimes one partner brings more than the other – yet in a balanced coupling, it evens out and each party takes turns to put in effort and nurture their partner with kindness and care. This is how people grow together happily.
If you want to build a successful relationship you must be open to learning about your partner. Collecting the kindling and making sure it is good and dry. Empty the grate of old ashes every now and then. Build the log pile together to keep you both warm through the winter.
When one person is bringing everything to the table, carefully chosen, beautifully wrapped and prepared – like Little Red Riding Hood, and the other person is a wolf – devouring everything without reciprocating, well, it’s a grim(m) situation. Sorry, couldn’t help myself there!
Different people want different things in different proportions. Some like gifts and surprises. Others need humour – or time and attention. You might prefer intellect – or socialising. Security – or peace. Couples work out their own love language.
Whether in romance or in platonic friendships, if we feel unappreciated, love dies. When we start to wonder why we are bothering, love dies.
Neglect kills love more effectively than anything. Every. Single. Time. There is no come-back.
On the flip side, walking away from a relationship where you have been neglected is often one of the cleanest breaks.
We rarely find ourselves yearning to be invisible. No-one cries themselves to sleep because they miss always being the 3-bar electric fire in Siberia. Who wants to go back to a pile of dull damp wood? What kind of a relationship is that?
Now the fire has almost died. Who neglected it? The cat and I need to have a serious talk.
