My 13 year old daughter was losing weight. I did not realise at first. She was a pretty girl with lots of friends, doing well at school. My only child and the most important person in my world. We were always a family of banter and fun. No soppy love stories. Although I am a true romantic – my girl would always pull me up short and make me laugh. I was a learner-mother’ (she was my first and only child) and quite inexperienced in childcare. Gave birth to her in my 20’s. She was 6 weeks’ premature – I had eclampsia due to Type 1 Diabetes – and we both almost died.
In spite of this delicate start, she grew up bright and clever. Outwardly confident and happy. Chatty and adventurous. An easy child to be with and to share with friends and family. Later I berated myself for being immature and distracted. I was busy in my own work in food marketing, which had just started to take off. I neglected to notice the start of her decline.
“What kind of hopeless mother would miss all the red flags?” I thought to myself for years afterwards.
Over many months, my daughter gets thinner. Noticeably skinny. Skeletal. Her head too big for her body. She does not eat. Not at all. Treats like icecreams or sweets are shunned. She wears baggy clothes. Lots of layers. Does a lot of exercise. Carries weights in her pockets. We seek medical help. School sends her home because she is too weak to be there. We try to talk – I ask what she would like to eat. Try to surprise her with things she used to like. Try to smuggle nutrients into her as if she were a kitten or a houseplant. Communication is poor.
She closes down. Becomes secretive and hollow eyed. No more laughs or questions or fun. I recall her sitting on the floor next to the radiator, rocking. The memory is so vivid it makes me cry to remember. I am single by now. The marriage collapsed. Had that made the Eating Disorder worse? Is that my fault? I notice people looking at her with distress. Selfishly, I feel they are judging me too. I am ashamed that my child is disappearing before my eyes and I can do nothing to stop it.
The world is collapsing around us. Darkness falls. For years. It is like being in prison. I put on a shiny mask but I am not really there. Looking back, it all merges into a dark blur. We go to weekly family counselling with my ex-husband and no-one speaks. CAMHS cannot touch the wound or make any difference. At 16, she is admitted into a mental health unit for her own protection – seriously self-harming as well as being eaten by the ED. Every day I think she will die. And I want to die too. The tunnel is so long there is no light in sight.
One of the hardest things about being parent to a person with an eating disorder is the feeling of guilt and helplessness. The feeling of being completely shut out of their world. I could not reach my beautiful, intelligent child. I did not understand what she was going through. No one did. I felt I had let her down. – If I had not gone out to work, I would have been there for her. If I had not ‘over-fed’ her as a child, she would never have needed to lose weight. If I had told her I love her more, she would not have been unhappy – these thoughts tormented me.
The ED does not affect just one person. It is like a chemical weapon – it poisons everyone around it. Parents often need support and counselling too. Sadly, this is rarely acknowledged or available.
It is now more than a dozen years since the ED arrived in our lives. My beautiful daughter is in recovery. She is doing better than I ever dared to imagine. But we cannot afford to reduce our awareness of this cruel disease.
Footnote:
These are my personal memories based on the situation. They are not in any particular order and Eating Disorders affect everyone in different ways. It is more of an emotional account than a scientific one. I have written this now because my daughter asked me to so that she can share some of the points of view of a parent in her own work and personal writings. She always wanted to be a doctor – from the age of 4 – and I believe that having this single goal saved her life. She graduated in medicine two years ago and is now working in mental health herself in order to help others going through this nightmare.
Beat, is the number one UK charity working to help people overcome eating disorders.